Hi my name is Gretchen and this was my life...

I was molested and raised by 2 mommies & 2 grandmothers. My father was no where around. I met him in my early teens. I grew up with a lot of shame. Because of my shame I didn’t speak till I was about 4-5 years old. I always felt different & embarrassed. I indulged in fantasy & was out of touch with reality. I played a lot with Barbie’s. I wanted to be just like Barbie. Barbie had beauty, the man, the townhouse, the car, a horse, Skipper & a beauty parlor. She had everything! It sounds funny but I based my past life on this doll, or a celebrity or a model.

 
I was always trying to be like someone else because I hated myself & my life. When I grew up to be a teenager my mother decided to do some "soul searching" after many failed relationships beginning with me. We visited many different & weird churches, including los centros, which is a church of santeria/espiritistos. I remember my mother getting involved with witchcraft & all kinds of freaky things started happening to us in the house. I felt like I was living in the haunted house on Ellis Avenue in the Bronx. My mother knew in her heart that witchcraft was not the answer so she gave herself to Christ and it was wonderful. I felt for the fist time that we were going to be a normal family. I was happy for my mom & for me.

However, when my mother decided to move to Rochester she started going to a church that was under a heavy religious regime. Something happened to my mom in that church. It no longer was about Christ and His love but it became more about appearances, rules & regulations. I heard & received a lot of criticism. I felt no love. I became an out cast & was rejected by these “church folk" and worse, my own mother. I was placed on "discipline" like a criminal before a judge because of the way I looked & dressed. I was forced to go to the doctor’s office to get an examination because this church wanted to know if I was still a virgin. My mother accused me of getting high on drugs when I wasn’t. When I shared I wanted to go away to college my mother rejected and criticized the idea of me going away. I felt trapped, condemned & misunderstood.

 
I grew tired of false accusations and the hypocrisy. I hated religion & these religious people. Hate & anger began taking root in my heart. At the age of 16, I decided to runway & getaway from these religious fanatics. My mother didn’t even call the cops when I ran way because she felt I was too much trouble & too much for her to handle. I remember her telling me that if my little sister ever grew up to be like me that she would prefer that she die than to come out like me. So I ran away to go into show business. I figured if I became rich & famous that my mom would love me & the "church" people would be sorry for what they did to me. I was on my own with no one to guide me or tell me right from wrong. I was foolish & gullible and found my self in many of situations where people took advantage of me. No mom, no dad, uncle, aunt or cousin. I was like an orphan wondering on my own.

Since I was a runaway & was on my own for awhile, I had to provide for myself. I had no money, education, or stability, jumping from house to house. I had to hustle whether it was bagging/distributing drugs, prostituting or using guys to pay for my bills, clothes or just to have a good time. And that’s exactly what I became. I became a trophy piece & a good time party girl. I always seemed to get involved with the "bad boy" type w/money and game. I got involved with a guy who sold & used drugs. We partied together & eventually moved in together. Cocaine was our best friend. She was the center of our relationship and all our social activities were based on coke. The agenda was always how much we were going to snort & who was going to join our party.

One weekend we partied a little too much. We were up for 2-3 days wired up. On my way to the kitchen to get a beer for my boyfriend I felt my heart pounding really-really hard. I felt my tongue was catching a cramp. I knew something was wrong. I felt death upon me. All I thought was God, not now, not like this. I knew if I died where I was going & I didn’t want to go. Not yet, not now. I started praying for mercy and thought of my mom who I hadn't seen in 3-4 years. I didn’t want my mother to bury her daughter because of a drug overdose. Something told me to go to the bed. I kept praying in my head, as I was lying down. I felt my heart slowly regulating itself & I eventually fell asleep. Since then I have not done coke. I became sick of it. But eventually I replaced my addiction to coke & replaced it with money & men.

I met my son’s father at the age of 24 & became pregnant almost 6 months after we met. In the short time we were together he became verbally, mentally & physically abusive. I found my self pregnant from a crazy man I hardly knew & I wanted out; out the relationship & out of the pregnancy. I went to get a police order of protection & made an appt to get an abortion, however, God had other plans. The day before my scheduled abortion I was driven to the hospital because of pain I was feeling from getting into a physical fight. I saw my unborn child for the first time in my stomach. I saw his hands & little fingers. He was already formed. I couldn’t abort him. I fell in love with him. Something happened to me when I saw my son in the sonogram I knew I couldn’t live this crazy life I was living anymore. I had to make better choices & create a healthy life for my son. I began taking care of myself, I started going out less. I read self help books & just trying to make better choices. It was the beginning of the end for me.

Once my son was born I decided I was going to make a better life for him & be a good mommy for him. The kind of mommy I never had; a mommy that would love unconditionally.  Eventually though, I failed my son as my mother failed me. I began dating women and I thought I found my true identity because I fell in love with a women. Women are nurtures, loving and sensitive. I felt comfort, acceptance & reassurance from a woman that I never found in a man. So I thought, “This is it.” I felt like I fit in. This is who God created me: a lesbian. My mother & grandmother were gay so it must run in my genes, right? I thought I was finally happy & felt freedom but it was a false freedom that didn’t last long. After dating women & living with a woman I realized it’s no different from men. So I began to identify myself as bi-sexual. I fell in love with a younger man who accepted me & we lived together for 4 years. Eventually I left him for another man who I thought I was going to marry but he was more interested in swinging with other couples and getting other girls in our bed than having a real one on one relationship. All this occurred while my son witnessed his mother’s identity problems and all these broken relationships.

I found myself repeating all of my mothers mistakes. The things that I promised myself were broken. I thought, “My God, will I ever be happy?” Does happiness even exist? No one I knew was happy. Not me, none of my friends were happy, or any of their relationships, not even the celebrities are happy. I found straight people weren’t happy, gay people weren’t happy & even my mother & sister who are suppose to be deeply religious, weren’t happy either.

One day I bumped into an old friend who I haven’t seen in a long time. We began hanging out, talking, and she would often bring up God. She told me about her church & I was really interested not because of what she said but her life spoke to me, her actions said it all. She seemed normal, happy & balanced unlike all the other so-called "church folk" I knew. So I decided to check out this church. The church was very nice but it wasn’t even about the church, it was about how Jesus knew my broken heart & met me right there. It’s like I felt this big hug from heaven engulf me & kiss all my boo-boos away. I never knew God like this. For me God was just this invisible mysterious being that I would think of on Christmas, Easter or when I was in deep doo-doo. Jesus is very much alive.

After I received him into my heart, I dived into His love head first & have never looked back. For the first time in my life I have stability, joy & true freedom that I have never had before and it’s not something that fades away like the love of a man or woman. It’s true, pure, and peaceable. It remains steady like a rock. Now that I have a relationship with Jesus, all my relationships are better. I have a wonderful relationship with my son. I had to ask him to forgive me for my mistakes and God is healing us. As for my mother & father, we talk frequently & I love them both very much. I have forgiven them, & those "church folk" that scared the hell out of me. Now I’m able to give love to those that are around me as Jesus abundantly poured love into me. My name was Venus & she died. My real name is Gretchen and I am a new person in Christ Jesus.

'To get something you never had,
you have to do something you never did.'